Where to even begin?!
Do I begin with the ways I've felt God working within me? How I've seen God in patients? How I've witnessed God's Spirit at work in the trauma bay and in patient rooms? Or perhaps I begin with how I've gotten to know myself more deeply through the CPE class? Or how I've seen hospital staff show up for patients in beautiful ways? Maybe I could begin with naming the simultaneous anxiety, joy, and pain I feel after long hours in a Level I Trauma hospital?
I could begin in a number of ways, but the way I'll choose to begin is by naming the privilege I've been given to be in this space, at this time, and in this place; for the gift it is to be present alongside folks during the most vulnerable, traumatic, difficult, and sometimes euphoric moments of their lives.
When I tell people about CPE and the stories of the last 7 weeks, I emphasize my biggest learning so far. Every moment we're on this Earth is a gift and I want to remind myself of that as often as possible. At the hospital we see people who, just a few hours ago, were doing a mundane thing like cooking, barbecuing, boiling water, driving, walking home from work, etc. Then within an instant, their life goes from "normal" to unimaginable. At first this made me fear everything. But then our CPE Educator challenged me to think about my theology of suffering. Where is God in our suffering? What does suffering say about God? I reflected on this for a while. I'm still marinating on this. But what I've concluded so far is that while I don't understand suffering, I do understand that God is always present with us. This was a "lightbulb moment" for me that began to shift everything. God is present with us. God is alongside us.
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As a Spiritual Care provider/Chaplain, I'm still identifying how I view our role but this is what I think about the job so far:
- We ensure that folks know that they are not alone.
- We support folks with identifying what grounds and connects them. This is the work of Spiritual Care, I think. For some, this looks like offering prayer. For others, it looks like being present in silence. The work of Spiritual Care is unique to each person and situation.
- We consistently reminds staff, patients, and families that we are here for them. When I walk up to someone in the trauma bay right before they're taken to get a CT scan, I bend down and look into their eyes (they normally have a neck collar on so in order for them to see me, I need to get close to their head). I say something like this (which I've made my own after shadowing other Chaplains) "I'm Caitlin, I'm a member of the Spiritual Care Team. I imagine this isn't where you expected to be tonight! I just want you to know that we're here for you. We're here for you."
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I don't know about you, but I find deep connection and power in knowing that someone is alongside me, that someone is there for me. As Chaplains/Spiritual Care Providers, we have a responsibility to show up and be alongside folks. That work never ends. And we can't do that work unless we care for ourselves. That part right there --- the one about caring for myself --- that's one of my takeaways from this summer -- when I was assigned to the NICU, I panicked. All I could think about was what I would get wrong, what I would say that wasn't helpful, and what I would do when I didn't know what to do. I was nervous about this for all parts of the hospital, but especially in the NICU where we're working with families and newborn babies. What I've learned, though, is that while there are "wrong" things that I can say, there isn't one "right" thing to say. There's a gray area. And y'all, I don't love gray areas! But what a life lesson this is for me. We can't always get it right. But we can show up. We can show up authentically, compassionately, thoughtfully, and intentionally. And often that's all that people need from the Spiritual Care Providers/Chaplains.
God shows up for us. God works in mysterious ways. And like my colleague, Basem, likes to say, God has our backs. God isn't looking for us to do the one "right" thing. God just wants us to be with people in their joy, their grief, their disbelief, their lament, in all the ways, because God meets us in all those places. So this is part of my growth in CPE.
As my Spiritual Director stated a few weeks ago, I'm cultivating my spiritual rhythm. And that spiritual rhythm is where I enable myself to feel God's Spirit working through me. My spiritual rhythm is where I invite myself to feel God's presence --- to feel God in the midst of every moment, in every place, and most especially in those gray areas where I seem to call on God the most these days. When I open myself to God's presence, I notice where and how God shows up for me and how God shows up for everyone in the hospital.
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Peace and blessings to each of you. And for my St. Andrew family, I'm excited to see y'all at the end of August when I am the guest preacher 💗
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